Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bumper Roach

Bumper cars are a fun activity for the whole family. When you go to a carnival and see bumper cars you know you're going to have fun. The rush you get whenever you ram your car into another is just awesome. You have a car and it's completely acceptable to drive it into someone's car. That's a sweet fucking deal.

Look how much fun this father is having:

Now ask yourselves, when's the last time you saw a father driving with his kid looking that happy? It's a pretty rare sight to see. However whenever you go to the bumper cars attraction and see adults riding the bumper cars they look so happy they could beat the crap out of their kids and not even care. Why is this? What about bumper cars makes people so happy, that cars don't? This is an essential issue, because we spend way more time in our cars then we do in bumper cars. Imagine how much happier our lives would be if we could solve this riddle.

Well look no further, because I think I've figured it out.

Compare bumper cars to cars. When you write "bumper cars" it's two words. When you write "cars" it's one word. This means that bumper cars contains one more word than cars. It can't be the word "cars" that separates the two because that word is located in both bumper cars and cars. The word is "bumper." Bumper is what separates bumper cars from cars.

Now what is a bumper?

A bumper is defined as the part located on the vehicle that is built to help withstand the impact of a collision. Most cars are manufactured with bumpers on the front and back of the car. Bumper cars have bumpers all around. Now you're probably thinking, 'Well that's what Aiden's getting at- we should put bumpers all around our cars.' It's not that simple! You see the bumpers on a bumper car are built to withstand the impact of another bumper car. A regular car is much heavier, so putting bumpers all around a regular car wouldn't keep it intact after hitting other cars.

This is a cockroach:

Many people believe that cockroaches are one of the few creatures, maybe the only creature, that could survive a nuclear attack. That makes cockroaches pretty bad ass. All of us would die, all the other animals would die, all our buildings would be destroyed, yet a cockroach would survive. Crazy isn't it?

Now what if we bred tons and tons of cockroaches and duct taped them around all our cars. It would be an indestructible shield of cockroaches. I'm not talking about a few cockroaches. I'm not talking about a few hundred cockroaches. I'm not even talking about a few thousand cockroaches. I'm talking about about a million cockroaches duct taped around each car.

Why would duct taping a bunch of cockroaches around my car benefit me?
You'd have a wall of cockroaches around your car, and so would everyone else! You could ram your car into any other car and not have to suffer any damages. Someone fall asleep at a red light? Hit 'em with your car! Life would become way more awesome and we'd all be as happy as that father from the first picture every time we drove. All we need to do is cut off our governments funding for education, or something else that no one really needs, and start funding a massive scale cockroach breeding. In five years we can make this dream a reality.

Now go out there and tell the world, the cockroach bumper effort is now!

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