Saturday, September 18, 2010

One does not simply walk into New Zealand

New Zealand sounds like a cool place, with fun people that have Australian accents, but I would not dare walk in there. It's got walking trees, a legion of orcs, medieval men, and a bunch of gay elves. All in New Zealand. But walk in there? No way. To do that you would have to go through black gates guarded by thousands of well defended orcs in well defended positions, or go up a windy passage and through a tunnel with a big ass spider that wants to trap you and eat you. Fuck that. I'm not going through that shit, just to walk into New Zealand. Like I said, one does not simply walk into New Zealand. If I ever decide to go to that third world country I'll fly, hopefully they have an airport.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

My Reaction to Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (AKA Alice the Opium Lord)

Holy shit.
That was my initial reaction after seeing the end of that movie. I'm not even talking about how all that shit played out in Wonderland, I'm talking about what happened when she got back to the real world. They sugarcoated the whole thing.

Back in those days if a woman ran off from a wedding with a lord like that, returned back covered in filth, told everybody at the wedding off for their problems, and then did some weird ass dance no one would be understanding of her. Not a single person. Rather, they'd all say something along the lines of, "She's fucking mad! Someone slap her!" or "Witch! Burn the witch!"

That plan that she came up with, to make a new trade route, where the fuck did she pull that from? How the hell did she come up with some master plan that beat anything they had already come up with? Oh I know what it must have been! At some point throughout that crazy adventure in a reality that was most likely drug induced (she drank the punch) she connected something, like talking animals and slaying monsters, to creating a trade route between England and China. That makes sense! Those things are totally related!

And why the hell would her almost father in law hire her? She just rejected his son's offer to marry, and he hires her as his apprentice? That's great parenting.

Also even if she didn't want to marry the guy, it's not like she had a choice. Women's rights didn't even exist back then. If that movie were more realistic they would have gotten married and she would have become the mother of a few rotten spoiled brats, and grow to wish she was dead.

A friend pointed this one out to me. Creating that trade route to China was one super fucked up move on Alice's part. All those little boys and girls who got to see this movie look up to Alice as a role model, but do parents really understand what kind of demon Tim Burton's new role model really is? Think about the implications of Alice's trade route. She has created a new idea among the British, to trade with China. This means trading all kinds of things: tobacco, silks, spices, and opium! That's right, England's trade with China brought the selling of opium to the country, and when the Chinese resisted two Opium wars occurred- with Britain smuggling in tons of Opium into the country and turning many people into addicts. Alice, you are one sneaky drug dealer!

But yeah, what the fuck, Tim Burton? What the fuck?
I hate those kind of endings.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Truth Exposed: Why Mick Jagger Has A Really Big Mouth

Why is Mick Jagger's mouth so big?

This is the biggest question of our time. Until now, we've all known that Mick Jagger has a ridiculously huge mouth, but it's never been brought to the table. My friends, let's make history.

Look at that. It's ridiculous, it's wide, and it's inhuman. Why does his mouth stretch so wide when he sings? Did he walk around with his mouth open all the time when he was a kid so that his mouth stretched wide? Is his jaw so heavy that his mouth got stretched? Maybe he's gay?

No, none of those ideas can be the solution. After going through countless possibilities for why this may be, there is only one solution that really fits.

Compare the following two pictures:

That second picture, that's a velociraptor. Look at it's huge mouth, it stretches pretty wide, and looks just like a certain rock star's mouth. A velociraptor is a kind of dinosaur, so they don't exist any more. Or do they?

It looks like we've stumbled upon the answer to one of history's greatest questions: what ever happened to the dinosaurs? They hid, in the form of rock stars. Mick Jagger is one of the last velociraptors alive today. As time progressed, his ancestors evolved their bodies to shape like a humans by raping a lot of cavemen. Their offspring would look more and more human. But there's one feature you can't hide: your huge fucking mouth.

There are other velociraptor rock stars out there as well. The lead singer for Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, is also a velociraptor. How do I know? Look at that damn mouth!

I'm sure there are plenty more dinosaur descendent rock stars out there, but we need to weed them out. Let's find out who is really a dinosaur, what line of dinosaurs they come from, and expose them for who they really are.

To conclude this post, here's another funny picture exposing Mick Jagger's huge mouth:

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bill Gates, Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, Chocolate: What Really Happened

I just want to say this isn't meant to be racist or offend anyone. It's all good fun.

You probably read the title and It's okay, I did too when I first learned the truth, but that was a long, long time ago.

Our story goes back a long, long time ago to around the time the Greek civilization fell. During that time, Santa Claus, in his fortress at the North Pole invented something that would change history forever. This may have been the greatest invention of all time, although it has gone through time unrecognized and unmentioned in history books. This invention was chocolate. Not just a chocolate, but the chocolate. It was the best tasting chocolate ever. It tasted so good that any devourer of it would instantly crave more of it's rich, delicious taste. This was chocolate to die for, seriously. It was really fucking good.

Skip ahead to Roman Times, which was still a long, long time ago. Jesus Christ and Santa were chilling one day ripping Jesus' roor when Santa busted out the chocolate. Jesus fucking loved it. So much so that he asked Santa if he could borrow a couple pounds of it for a big dinner he was planning on having with his disciples. Santa felt reluctant to give up his chocolate, that was he all had left from his last batch. But in the end he hooked it up for JC.

The dinner was a success. Everyone had a great time. The chocolate, served as dessert, was good enough to make any meal fucking amazing, let alone a feast. It was so good Leonardo Da Vinci even painted a picture of it. By the end of the night, all the chocolate was eaten save one piece that Jesus kept in his pocket for the next day.

The next day, Judas betrayed Jesus and the Romans found him and crucified him in public. Jesus was nailed to the cross in front of crowds of people. One woman, who felt bad for JC, approached him when the guards weren't looking and asked him if he wanted some water. Jesus gasped, "chocolate.... give me my.... pocket" Those were the last words of Jesus Christ. The woman reached in his pocket and pulled out the chocolate. She was pretty hungry herself, so she broke off a little piece of the chocolate and ate it. She loved it so much that instead of giving the other piece to Jesus, like she planned, she took it for herself.

This womans name was Sees Gates. She and her husband spent the rest of their entire life trying to remake Santa's chocolate. By the end of their life, they had recreated the flavor of the chocolate but could not give it whatever it was that Santa gave to it that made you crave it so much. Their son would go on to found the company Sees Chocolate, which lives on until today.

When Santa found out that his recipe was stolen he killed the man in the Gates family who owned Sees Chocolate at the time. This was still a long, long time ago. After his death, the Gates family no longer owned Sees Chocolate. The brother of the man Santa killed would raise the great grandfather of the great grandfather of the great grandfather of Bill Gates.

Now let's not go back a long, long time ago, let's go to today. As I'm sure you are all aware, not too long ago Bill Gates was killed.

Check out the trailer for the big documentary that just came out detailing it. Skip the video if you've already heard about it.

Here's what really happened:

Santa found out that Gates is related. He remembered the last name of his victim (an elephant never forgets) and did his research. It pissed him off that someone in this evil, chocolate stealing family would go on to be so wealthy. He swooped down on his sleigh with a sniper rifle in hand and murdered the richest man on earth.

Nice try Santa Claus, but not good enough. We know what you did and with enough investigation we will find some proof. Soon we'll have you behind bars and justice will be served with a capitol J

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bumper Roach

Bumper cars are a fun activity for the whole family. When you go to a carnival and see bumper cars you know you're going to have fun. The rush you get whenever you ram your car into another is just awesome. You have a car and it's completely acceptable to drive it into someone's car. That's a sweet fucking deal.

Look how much fun this father is having:

Now ask yourselves, when's the last time you saw a father driving with his kid looking that happy? It's a pretty rare sight to see. However whenever you go to the bumper cars attraction and see adults riding the bumper cars they look so happy they could beat the crap out of their kids and not even care. Why is this? What about bumper cars makes people so happy, that cars don't? This is an essential issue, because we spend way more time in our cars then we do in bumper cars. Imagine how much happier our lives would be if we could solve this riddle.

Well look no further, because I think I've figured it out.

Compare bumper cars to cars. When you write "bumper cars" it's two words. When you write "cars" it's one word. This means that bumper cars contains one more word than cars. It can't be the word "cars" that separates the two because that word is located in both bumper cars and cars. The word is "bumper." Bumper is what separates bumper cars from cars.

Now what is a bumper?

A bumper is defined as the part located on the vehicle that is built to help withstand the impact of a collision. Most cars are manufactured with bumpers on the front and back of the car. Bumper cars have bumpers all around. Now you're probably thinking, 'Well that's what Aiden's getting at- we should put bumpers all around our cars.' It's not that simple! You see the bumpers on a bumper car are built to withstand the impact of another bumper car. A regular car is much heavier, so putting bumpers all around a regular car wouldn't keep it intact after hitting other cars.

This is a cockroach:

Many people believe that cockroaches are one of the few creatures, maybe the only creature, that could survive a nuclear attack. That makes cockroaches pretty bad ass. All of us would die, all the other animals would die, all our buildings would be destroyed, yet a cockroach would survive. Crazy isn't it?

Now what if we bred tons and tons of cockroaches and duct taped them around all our cars. It would be an indestructible shield of cockroaches. I'm not talking about a few cockroaches. I'm not talking about a few hundred cockroaches. I'm not even talking about a few thousand cockroaches. I'm talking about about a million cockroaches duct taped around each car.

Why would duct taping a bunch of cockroaches around my car benefit me?
You'd have a wall of cockroaches around your car, and so would everyone else! You could ram your car into any other car and not have to suffer any damages. Someone fall asleep at a red light? Hit 'em with your car! Life would become way more awesome and we'd all be as happy as that father from the first picture every time we drove. All we need to do is cut off our governments funding for education, or something else that no one really needs, and start funding a massive scale cockroach breeding. In five years we can make this dream a reality.

Now go out there and tell the world, the cockroach bumper effort is now!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Don't see the movie Fighting. It really fucking sucked.

I walked out of the movie theater after seeing Fighting and I wanted my money back. This movie was fucking retarded and full of stupid holes. The ending was shit too.

If you guys haven't seen it yet and don't want it ruined don't keep reading, but I'm telling you guys this movie is so fucking bad you should let me spoil it for you so you can save your time and not bother yourselves with it.

Where do I begin with how awful this movie was? Let's start with what the movie was supposed to be all about: fighting.

The fight scenes were shit. There were only about 4 in the movie and you could hardly call them action packed. In every fight the main character, Shawn MacArthur, would nearly lose but at the last moment miraculously save himself and completely turn the fight around. Two out of four of the fights had him nearly choke to death but then he flipped the guy over and beat him. If there's only going to be 4 fights why be so fucking unoriginal and have two of the turnouts play out with him barely surviving being strangled to death? In another fight, Shawn is pressed against a glass window but manages to get his opponent on the ground at the last moment in what was a miraculous save.

Also throughout the fight scenes they kept flashing back and forth from the fighters to the audience. What the fuck was up with that? I don't care to see some old people cheering on the fight, I want to see the damn fight. If they did it a couple times that would be okay but they really pushed that far. It was as if they were trying to kill time in the movie by doing that.

And who the fuck chose Channing Tatum to be the lead actor? He couldn't act for shit. Also his ears are big.

The storyline was shit, from the beginning to the end. As the movie developed it just got worse and worse.

They randomly bring up this whole backstory in the middle of the film (if you can even call it a film) with the main character and how he punched his father but meant to hit Brian J White and then he beat up his father and wouldn't stop hurting him. That came out of fucking nowhere! What the fuck?! And wasn't Brian White supposed to have liked his Dad and that's why he hates the main character? Because I recall him saying, "What was it your father would have called that? Oh yeah, niggershit." Why would he say this? It completely goes against what his character would have done.

I remember the scene when Harvey, the hustler type character who recruits the main character, goes to find out what the prize money was and they tell him its $100,000. He then goes to the main character and tells him the prize money is a hundred grand. This would never happen. Why? Because then Harvey isn't making any money. Seriously, where is his cut? Is he working off of only betting money? No that wouldn't work, and this is a hole in the story.

Also Harvey made the bet with the guy played by Luis Guzman but then he gave the money to those other people right (the people that Zulay Henao brought the money to)? What happened to that? Didn't they lose a lot of money off of that bet?

Also why they hell would Luis Guzman even make a bet for the main character to win if the guy he is betting against is his coach or whatever? Did I miss something here, or was this just fucking retarded?

The romantic, love part to the movie was really fucking corny and dumb. It was so lame! When the grandma came in and cockblocked him I wanted to give her a hug.

You call that a sex scene? They lie down on the bed and it shows them holding hands, then the screen fades to black. I know this movie is rated PG-13 but come on! That was fucking pathetic.

The main character was walking around stalking Zulay Hanao and creeping her the fuck out. But then she finds out that he's a big fighter and all of a sudden she wants to fuck him. You know what? I'm cool with that, but what I'm not cool with is the fact that a character who would do this kind of thing would not go against her boss if her boss is an underground crime boss. What am I talking about? She turned in the bet money saying that they want to win instead of that they will lose like he told her to. I'm having trouble believing that she would listen to the words of some retarded fighter (and his character was supposed to be stupid so I can say that) knowing that if he tried to win the fight and lost like they thought he would, her life would be over and her kid would be fucked.

The ending was the worst part. It was just so dumb I can't get over it.

They win a million dollars and what do they do? They all go on a road trip to find his dad! Yeah like that would actually happen. Let's break it down to who was going: the main character, the girl, her daughter, the grandmother, and Harvey. I can understand her and her kid coming along, he's got cash and she wants him. But the grandmother? She hated him throughout the movie. She thinks he killed someone and knows about his history. She kicked him out of the house while he was making out with her daughter. So now that he won a million dollars she's okay with him? I guess so.

And Harvey came along for the trip? What kind of hustler is he supposed to be? If I was making money on the street my whole life and one day I get lucky and make a million bucks I would not go on some road trip to find a retarded guys dad. What would his character have done that would have made more sense? Go buy some more coke, because we know that's what he was doing, and party his ass off. And if he was really a hustler he would have made the main character stay in New York, wait until his injuries have recovered, during that time enlarge his image so someone out there wants to come challenge him for a shit load of money, and then have another fight for more cash! Who knows how much money they could have gotten off of their next fight? 2 million? 5 million?

Fuck this movie. I feel dumber for watching it.