Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bill Gates, Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, Chocolate: What Really Happened

I just want to say this isn't meant to be racist or offend anyone. It's all good fun.

You probably read the title and It's okay, I did too when I first learned the truth, but that was a long, long time ago.

Our story goes back a long, long time ago to around the time the Greek civilization fell. During that time, Santa Claus, in his fortress at the North Pole invented something that would change history forever. This may have been the greatest invention of all time, although it has gone through time unrecognized and unmentioned in history books. This invention was chocolate. Not just a chocolate, but the chocolate. It was the best tasting chocolate ever. It tasted so good that any devourer of it would instantly crave more of it's rich, delicious taste. This was chocolate to die for, seriously. It was really fucking good.

Skip ahead to Roman Times, which was still a long, long time ago. Jesus Christ and Santa were chilling one day ripping Jesus' roor when Santa busted out the chocolate. Jesus fucking loved it. So much so that he asked Santa if he could borrow a couple pounds of it for a big dinner he was planning on having with his disciples. Santa felt reluctant to give up his chocolate, that was he all had left from his last batch. But in the end he hooked it up for JC.

The dinner was a success. Everyone had a great time. The chocolate, served as dessert, was good enough to make any meal fucking amazing, let alone a feast. It was so good Leonardo Da Vinci even painted a picture of it. By the end of the night, all the chocolate was eaten save one piece that Jesus kept in his pocket for the next day.

The next day, Judas betrayed Jesus and the Romans found him and crucified him in public. Jesus was nailed to the cross in front of crowds of people. One woman, who felt bad for JC, approached him when the guards weren't looking and asked him if he wanted some water. Jesus gasped, "chocolate.... give me my.... pocket" Those were the last words of Jesus Christ. The woman reached in his pocket and pulled out the chocolate. She was pretty hungry herself, so she broke off a little piece of the chocolate and ate it. She loved it so much that instead of giving the other piece to Jesus, like she planned, she took it for herself.

This womans name was Sees Gates. She and her husband spent the rest of their entire life trying to remake Santa's chocolate. By the end of their life, they had recreated the flavor of the chocolate but could not give it whatever it was that Santa gave to it that made you crave it so much. Their son would go on to found the company Sees Chocolate, which lives on until today.

When Santa found out that his recipe was stolen he killed the man in the Gates family who owned Sees Chocolate at the time. This was still a long, long time ago. After his death, the Gates family no longer owned Sees Chocolate. The brother of the man Santa killed would raise the great grandfather of the great grandfather of the great grandfather of Bill Gates.

Now let's not go back a long, long time ago, let's go to today. As I'm sure you are all aware, not too long ago Bill Gates was killed.

Check out the trailer for the big documentary that just came out detailing it. Skip the video if you've already heard about it.

Here's what really happened:

Santa found out that Gates is related. He remembered the last name of his victim (an elephant never forgets) and did his research. It pissed him off that someone in this evil, chocolate stealing family would go on to be so wealthy. He swooped down on his sleigh with a sniper rifle in hand and murdered the richest man on earth.

Nice try Santa Claus, but not good enough. We know what you did and with enough investigation we will find some proof. Soon we'll have you behind bars and justice will be served with a capitol J

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